Saturday, December 22, 2007

A point in the past

Everyone asks whats it like to have twins, are they the same, do they fight, is it hard, the list of questions is endless. The answers are simple YES YES and YES!

I was NEVER one of these people that WANTED twins, the thought NEVER crossed my mind.

They where an accident, a rather nice one, but nevertheless an accident.

They also arrived at a point in my life where I recognise that my world started to shift and change and move. One of those times where you have two distinct paths in front of you and you yearn to travel one however forces beyond your control are pulling you in another.

Sam and I had just gotten married.

Rather unconventionally we had already been living together for five years.

I of course I had Danielle from a previous relationship, and Sam and I met, had a whirlwind beginning to our relationship, moved in together after six weeks and had Sarah two years later.

We had decided that two was probably enough. Sam was never a baby person and to be honest the infringement of children in his life was a little more than he could cope with. Don't get me wrong he loved the girls but he really wasn't a hands on father when the girls where little, that was something that came a lot later in life for him.

So there we where, quite young (he was 28, I was 24) and completely in love, when we where out together my Sister In Law used to say the chemistry between us was unmistakable, we only had eyes for each other and there was nearly a visible line connecting us across a room. She told me she would often watch him gazing at me across a room, his eyes soft and filled with that full rich emotion that is usually reserved for the best of the Hollywood romance movies.

It was certainly the love of loves, I felt it with every inch of my being, and why shouldn't we.....

We where young, in love, living in our first home and with us both working full time we weren't facing many financial concerns at all.

We had just enjoyed a wedding filled with family and friends, oh of course it wasn't perfect we did have THAT family episode that most weddings can boast but the moment is still firmly etched in my memories.

A few weeks later I discovered I was pregnant.

I knew it was going to change things, but I figured it was workable. I had a good job, I was entitled to Maternity leave, we where a family already after all, these things happen.

San wasn't as impressed and seemed to lower a window shutter in my face, at least that's what it seemed like at the time. He felt the only answer was a nice, quick easy abortion.

When I didn't readily agree, he withdrew from me emotionally, completely and absolutely.

It was almost as if I had done this to him, it was my fault and by not doing what he wanted me to I was in some way trying to ruin his life.

In the meantime I was so shell shocked by his reaction I didn't know what the right thing to do was.

I just wanted him to love me again.

I had spent the first 19 years of my life with so little love that having the love I had felt for the last five years removed was like a part of me dying.

I didn't have that abortion.

I chose my path.

It was a hard path to walk. I took more than my share of responsibility for it.

At first of course we thought it was just one baby. When we discovered it was two he was very happy. I didn't quite get that as I was devastated, what in the world was I meant to do with TWO babies?

When we had the ultrasound and the technician said it was two girls he stood up and walked out - my god I hated him for that. I laid on the scanning table and sobbed.

He took so much joy from me.

After the girls where born he would come in every afternoon like we where a chore at the end of his day and sit in the corner of the hospital room and read the paper.

He would leave and brush a kiss over my cheek, all I wanted was for him to hold, hold the girls say how beautiful they where.

I wanted him to be involved and be there.

By the third day the nurses sent in the social worker, the social worker cried with me.

On day five we where ready to go home, I had EVERY intention of going home on my own with the girls. It was over, I couldn't do this.

He arrived as I was bathing the girls to take them home. Maybe he sensed a change in the air, maybe he had resolved his issues but he took over bathing the girls and with every drop of water my resolve weakened.

There is a little piece of me that will never forgive him for that time in our lives, it is one of many many less then perfect moments as we struggle to keep our 16 year relationship together and alive after more ups and downs than most see in lifetime of living.

He still gazes at me like that across a room, the shutter is back up and the love is there again, probably more than it ever was.

There is a little piece of me that is still hurt, even after all these years.

When does it end and how do you let it go?

He openly says he was such a bastard then, and he was. He now thanks me for the twins as he can't imagine life without them.

I sometimes think having Emily was his way of saying sorry, and she was a truly beautiful gift.

I don't think about it often these days, but when I do, the feelings and emotions are as raw as they where 11 years ago.

The twins are glorious, beautiful, strong, smart, just so utterly path was rocky to be sure but the result was worth every painful step.


Lynda said...

Looking pretty gorgeous!!! Merry Xmas luvvy... this will give you my link back.

T said...

I think there is a part of us that never heals when someone hurts us so badly.

It doesn't mean you won't ever forgive, forgiving is very different to forgetting and it isn't condoning the behaviour.

Have you expressed all of how you felt? Do you feel heard? I think sometimes you can't move to forgiveness until you know you've been truly understood by the one who hurt you.

I think when the time to move on is right you will know. Huge hugs Honey!!

Trudi said...

Oh I love you Miss T, you are so right.

Vanessa and Kara said...

What a superb post Trudi ~ so very honest and captivating to read. I love your blog!