Saturday, February 10, 2007

My Children

There, now all my ramblings can be done for free! Ive moved over from the type pad trial because Blog Spot seems to have most of the features I want and of course the 'free' part appealed to me!

Little Ava's funeral is today, I had hoped to go and release some balloons on the beach or blow some bubbles for her but it is a seriously miserable day here, rain, wind, thunder etc just impossibly bad weather. I actually woke up to the thunder at 6.30am, it was so loud.

There are lots of people around Australia thinking of her this morning, and of course thinking of Sheye, Crayton, Luca, Mason and Ivy, wishing them the strength to remember, and the strength to let their Super Princess fly away from them for a little while, for nothing truly ends and when the hands of time turn again they will be together again one day.

So I will spend the day with my girls and reflect on how fortunate we are in this space of time to just be together.

We also need to do Sarah's Birthday cake today, as we where saving it for when Sam was home, sometimes it is hard that he works away, even though it is only Monday-Friday each week, when events like birthdays etc come up he misses out. I have decided that from now on we will have two celebrations, one when on the day and then one when he is home to join in. Its just impossible to say to the girls that they need to wait, and impossible to say to him that he misses out, so two cakes it will be!

Here is a picture of all the girls together just after Bethany was born it was such a special moment for them all to share.

The five girls are just all so different.

You know I always thought because I can so clearly see the faults in my own children that I didn't love them enough, I felt like if you have this complete love for your child surely you shouldn't see their faults? And I see parents like that, you know the ones that think there little poppet is just THE perfect child and the more I see it the more I think Id rather see my children's faults.

If we can see someones faults and still love them to pieces isn't that a better thing than living with your head in the sand? My girls know that there are some things that they do that I really cant stand, but they also know that I would walk to the end of the earth for them and I will love them to my very last breath.

Danielle reminds me of my sister so much sometimes it hurts, I see it in the toss of her hair, the vague 'I didn't do it' expression that crosses her face. Its her total lack of responsibility that I find hard to deal with, I have spent my whole life being so responsible and it really bothers me when people don't own up to things they have done/said or have any direction in their lifes. I used to think it was my fault (sometimes I think EVERYTHING is my fault, after all I had her so young etc etc. These days I just accept it is her, and I cant change that, all I can do is love her and love her little lost girl she is walking around the world with no idea of where she is heading.

Sarah is so stubborn, amazingly talented but lazy, independent, frustrating and loyal, loyal to the end. Stands by her sisters sides regardless of right/wrong NO ONE will ever hurt them. An incredibly talented Netballer she has the ability develop into a State level player at the very least but she is just too lazy these days to take the extra training that is required seriously.

Samantha is of course the firstborn of our twins, and she takes that role seriously. Samantha is a nurturer, she looks after everyone in the house, she just gives and gives and gives. Sometimes I worry that one day she will have given so much she will have nothing left for herself. To be loved by Samantha is to know the purest sweetest love possible.

Jessica our baby twin girl my joker, cheeky scooby-doo girl who fights constantly with Emily over the position of 'baby', messy jessy who knows Samantha will fix it all up for her. Jessy still scared of the dark, still crawling into her twins bed at night, sweet sweet jessy would be lost in this world without Samantha.

Emily, the one we where close to loosing at birth, my baby, my performer, my wildly eccentric child. The girl who lives in her secret world, who struggles to keep friends for she is far too bossy. Too bossy and full of opinions, always wanting the final word, Oh my cookie girl I do love you.

Today is also my sons birthday, I havent seen him for sixteen years, he is 17 today. Where ever he is and what ever he may be doing I wish him the happiest of days, my love and my never ending sorry for all that we could never share. Wayne- Peter I love you, and I will be sorry forever that I wasnt able to be your mother, I know in my heart of hearts that one day we will meet and I pray for your acceptance, understanding and perhaps you will find a way to forgive me.

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